Hey, at least it isn’t herpes

I came across this article today while in the midst of my usual six-hour-a-day intenet habit (I promise this will stop when I go back to work). Maybe it’s because of my career, or maybe it’s just because it’s funny, that I couldn’t help but share this little gem with you. Either way, the Trojans had better start checking the Costco ads for sales on Gold Bond before September 13.

U-S-A! U-S-A!

OMG, have you been watching the Olympics? I’ve found myself riveted to the television these last four days, thankful to finally have something inspiring to watch. Anything I can’t view live, I’m DVRing and watching as soon as I get five spare minutes. I’m a junkie looking for my next medal fix. I’m even tuning in to beach volleyball and badminton just to fill the emptiness in my brain left by trashy reality TV.

I always look forward to track & field - it’s such a pure sport with tests of human speed and endurance that few other events can match. But this year, my favorite team by a mile has been men’s gymnastics. I fell in love with these guys months ago and picked my personal Olympic team well before the USOC did.  My team was a bit different from the original officially selected lineup, as it did not include Paul or Morgan Hamm. (This is probably where I should mention that I am not a fan of the Hamm brothers, especially Paul, who was the first person named to the squad despite having a broken hand that kept him from competing in every major event this season). I actually cried when Raj Bhavsar wasn’t named to the Olympic team. So you can only imagine my delight when both Hamm brothers bowed out and were replaced by, as I like to call him, “my boyfriend Raj” and Alex Artemev! I wish I could have seen the looks on Elfi Schlagel’s and Tim Daggett’s faces when the Hamm boys announced they wouldn’t be competing. Pure horror, I’m sure, as the NBC announcers had pinned their hopes for Olympic metal on those brothers. In fact, I’m fairly certain they would have preferred a US team of two to the team that ended up competing last night.

And holy cow, did you see how they did last night?! First of all, Jonathan Horton was clutch. I mean, perfect. Justin Spring flew through the air on high bar. Raj was so consistently good, as he has been for five years, in every event. And the hero of the night, Artemev, came through on pommel horse (which was referred to as the US’s weakest event - by far - by Elfi and Tim no less than a billion times over the evening) with a stunning performance. His only event of the evening. The very last guy to compete. And he nailed it. Thus securing an Olympic medal for the team that couldn’t have been considered a bigger underdog had they worn blue capes and giant “U”s on their uniforms. What a great day for sports!

And I can’t write about the Olympics without mentioning Michael Phelps. How chill is that guy? He didn’t even know he had tied the record for most gold medals ever won by an American Olympian. Ever. Had no idea until someone asked him how it felt to do it. And that’s not even the big Phelps story! But then, what is? Is it the consistency with which he is smashing world records (most of them held by him already)? Is it that awe-inspiring 4 x 100 in which the US beat the cocky trash-talking French? Or is it the likely probability that this guy will walk out of Beijing with more gold medals in a single Olympics than anyone. ANYONE. E.V.E.R. And he just seems like such a nice guy to boot. Say what you will about the fast pool or the technological doping that is Speedo’s laser suit. Heck, even play devil’s advocate and suspect that Phelps is drugging (doubtful). But nothing can take away from the excitement of watching history in the making. GOOD history. Heroic history. The kind of history this country needs when Recession looms large, the housing market is crumbling on its foundation, and the American Dream seems just that to more and more of us.

So, go USA! Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

The best things in life are free

It’s time I post about some of the fun things we’ve enjoyed since moving to Ohio. On Sunday Derek and I took a trip to Hocking Hills State Park, about an hour southeast of Columbus. It is a beautiful park, with far more in the way of rolling hills and hiking than I had ever anticipated finding in central Ohio. Highlights include:

 a trip to Old Man’s Cave (don’t go in expecting to find Luray or Carlsbad like I did - you’ll be confused),

meandering streams leading to majestic waterfalls (or at least what I imagine to be majestic - it IS July in the midwest!),

and beautiful I-can-see-for-miles views overlooking Conkle’s Hollow (take the rim trail if you go).

We had a great day there and all it cost was the gas!

Another fun day trip was to the Columbus Zoo. Everyone knows Jack Hanna. But did you know his home base is the Columbus Zoo? This town is littered with images and likenesses of him (well, him and Brewtus). We enjoyed our trip to the zoo so much that we became members! Some highlights:

The manatees

The world’s loudest gibbons

and Fluffy, the largest boa constrictor in captivity

All in all, a very fun day.

There have been more adventures too, many dealing with exciting new restaurant choices (might I recommend Hoggy’s?), but I think that’s enough camera-happiness for right now. Just thought you’d like to see some of the fun stuff we’ve been up to.

The status is not quo

Special thanks to my buddy over at “Is This Thing On?” for breaking news of Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog before it hit the morning talk show circuit. Unfortunately I didn’t get a chance to watch it on the web before it dropped on iTunes so I was debating (rather half-heartedly) whether or not to shell out the $6 to watch all three acts of it. But when I logged into Myspace today, what to my wondering eyes should appear but Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog on Myspace TV! Now everyone can watch it (you don’t even need to log in to check it out) for free (with very limited commercial interruption provided by Blackberry)! Just thought I’d throw that out to all of you.

Was that an omen?

Or, Why You Shouldn’t Hold Job Interviews at McDonald’s

These last few months have been interesting to say the least. Quite the roller coaster of emotions. At some times, laugh-out-loud funny. At others, cry-yourself-to-sleep depressing. But through it all, it’s been entertaining. Most recently, my search for the “ideal” job took me to McDonald’s. Yes, I had a job interview at Mickey D’s. Not WITH them, mind you, but AT the restaurant itself.

First of all, have you ever showed up to McDonald’s wearing a business suit? If you work in a city or a business park, you may have. But this was a McDonald’s located in an outdoor shopping mall where the only business dress you’ll see is the polo shirt and khakis donned by the teenagers taking a lunch break from their high-power jobs as stock boys at the Target and Dick’s across the parking lot. Yet this was where the hiring manager with a certain highly respectable health system here in town decided to hold our interview. In his defense, he wanted to pick a location close to where I live and I think he just wasn’t very familiar with my neighborhood.

So I got to my interview a little early and I didn’t see anyone who resembled the person/people (I was told I would meet with either one or two men) I was looking for. But I figured they could pretty easily spot me what with being the only person in the joint in a suit. And nobody motioned for me to come to them. So I got in line to order a Coke, to make myself look like I had a purpose. There were two people in line in front of me. One of which was a woman with a brood of children. You would think it was the kids who would be difficult with their orders; nay, it was the mom. She pestered the poor 16 year old cashier for a FRESHLY BREWED (her emphasis, not mine) cup of coffee. And actually threatened him that the cup had better be freshly brewed or else. I mean, I should have called the police. But his manager was right there so I figured she could handle it. I would later find that not to be the case. But I digress. Anyway, after 10 minutes it was my turn to place my order. The woman was still complaining to the cashier and I pretty much had to yell over her “All I want is a medium Coke!!” And the poor cashier actually said to me “You mean you were waiting in line this whole time just to get a Coke?” To which I replied in my dryest voice “Yup”.

With that event complete, I turned to try and identify my potential employer. I found a guy in a polo shirt with the company’s name on it and saw that he was actually interviewing another unfortunate soul (I was thankful that the hiring manager had contacted me first - if this girl had lived in, say, Sandusky, would I have been travelling to the Big Boy’s at Cedar Point for this gig?!). So I took a seat and waited my turn. It was a brief wait, for which I was grateful.

As it turns out, the person I interviewed with is the coordinator of AT services and happens to be about the most respected athletic trainer in all of Columbus. Seriously. So I was happy to meet him. And even happier when he said some very nice things about me and my experience. Not to sound boorish, but my ego has taken quite the hit since moving here. I don’t think I’m spoiled, but I do think I’ve worked very hard and surrounded myself with good people, so it’s not often that I don’t get what I want. Thus, this job search has been remarkably eye-opening (I swear if I have to hear “we have decided to go in a different direction” one more time, I’m going to hunt down whatever hiring manager thought this was a tactful way to reject someone and go in a different direction all over their cliched ass).

Halfway through our conversation, we noticed that the dining room fell eerily quiet, although the restaurant itself was quite noisy. It was then that we realized that an all-out brawl was taking place behind the counter. My first instinct was that I should have called the police on the freshly brewed coffee lady when I had the chance. But as it turns out, it appeared to be an intra-employee relations issue. I don’t think the manager has much control over her young crew. Fortunately, this didn’t turn out to be one of those “I’ll be back in five minutes with my nine” deals, although in this day and age you never can tell what’s coming down the pike. So we did our best to finish up the interview as efficiently as possible, what with this being the scariest McDonald’s I’ve ever been to.

After all that, the interview actually went quite well. The only drawback is, well, the job itself. It’s everything I don’t want in a position: part-time with an area high school. But I’m left with the quandry of: do I take the job just to have a job? Or do I hold out for some of the other positions I’ve applied for and hope for the best? If I’m going to take a lousy job, this is by far the best lousy job I’m going to be offered. If I don’t accept the position, am I setting myself up for serious problems down the road? So I’m weighing a lot of options in my head right now and I’m feeling much like a hamster on a wheel. Getting nowhere fast. So stay tuned for an update on this one. Hopefully I’ll have an epiphany soon!

Is it too early to wave my Terrible Towel?

I spent the previous 24 hours in Pittsburgh, to visit my parents. It was the first I’d seen them since November and the first I’d been to the burgh in nearly a year. It’s funny how quickly I forget about the yinzer accent when I’m not there. For those unfamiliar, Pittsburgh has its very own regional dialect. It has a technical name, but most of us call it “yinzer” or “Pittsburghese” - although the latter really refers more to the unique words that my people have created. For example, if you were going to be coming to Pgh from, say, the airport, and needed directions to the city, a true yinzer would tell you: “You’re gwin ta take da parkway dahn ta da Fort Pitt tunnels and den once yinz git through dem yinz gwinna see dahntahn on your right. Yinz gotta get crost four lanes a traffic ta get ta dahntahn otherwise yinz’ll end up aht Heinz filled. Ya know, where dem Stillers play.” Or something to that effect.

I don’t really have much of a yinzer accent, which is actually alarming considering how strongly it runs in my family (though I’ll be the first to admit that I generally, and completely unintentionally, leave out the verb ”to be” from many sentences that require it). If you happen to read this and think to yourself “but Jen, you have a rather strong accent” then I invite you to spend Christmas with me and my family. Furthermore, I invite you to google Sophie Masloff. You will change your opinion of my accent.

So while visiting, I got to partake in the fine accent while conversing with my parents. Accent also heard: At dinner out. At the beer distributor where I picked up my case of Yuengling. On ALL of the local television stations. News always sounds more pleasant when being described by a Pittsburgher. But I thought it was selfish of me to enjoy the accent all by myself and I realize that you might enjoy the accent too. So here are some links to get you started on learning the authentic North Midland US English dialect.

http://www.pittsburghese.com/ for the fun stuff

http://itotd.com/articles/307/pittsburghese/ for some of the history (provides a link at the bottom to a website for the group that does formal research on the subject)

http://dve.com/pages/morningshow.html for the best local radio station in tahn - complete with comedy bits that emphasize the absurdity of Pittsburghese. There is a skit called CSI: Pittsburgh that I can’t seem to find right now, but if you ever come across it, I think you’ll understand.

Summertime and the TV watching is easy

First it was The Breakfast Club and the brat pack movies. Then it was Dawson’s Creek and Can’t Hardly Wait. Now, here I am, well past my teen years, and my favorite summertime show is The Secret Life of the American Teenager on ABC Family Tuesdays at 8! (Although I generally watch it at anytime-Derek-isn’t-home-o’clock. Thanks DVR!). It seems I just can’t get enough of high school drama. Oh it’s embarassing, I know. But I have always loved the teen melodramas. And this one’s like the mother of all teen melodramas! And not only because Molly Ringwald, famed teenage princess of the 80s, now plays a princess-like MOM of a teenager on the show. See how this all comes full-circle? Also playing a role: Bo Duke himself, John Schneider. I had no choice but to succumb to this show.

For the most part, the show is utterly predictable and full of self-indulgence but a lot of the teenage characters on the show are actually fairly loveable and some of the actors are really quite good! Interestingly, there are a lot more adult themes in this show than I recall in previous high school dramas. I’m sure it’s a sign of the times, but I’m curious if maybe I’m not the only person well past the age of high school who watches! One thing I’m still trying to figure out: every character on the show is a stereotype: band geek, cheerleader, football jock, loner. And they all have props that they carry with them everywhere. So, is this like, the director’s way of making sure that we know exactly what role these characters play? Or is the director actually cunning enough to be mocking the stereotypes? I haven’t figured out how quality the production staff is yet, so I’m still unsure.

But anyway, if you’re like me and the only show you really had to look forward to all summer was Deadliest Catch, then I recommend you check out The Secret Life. If you’re not like me, then you’ll probably want to stick with Big Brother 27.

It’s times like these…

Well, I have some time to think and sit in front of my computer, so I may as well blog. I’ve now been on hold for 23 minutes with the Ohio Board of Criminal Identification & Investigation. On my cell phone. During peak minutes usage. One of the downfalls of not splurging for a land-line when we moved here. I’m sure you’re more curious as to why I’m waiting to talk to someone with the criminal investigation unit. It’s actually not too exciting: in order to be an athletic trainer here in Ohio, I need to have a license to practice. A portion of the application is a background check through the BCI. I submitted my application for a license nearly two months ago and the license board swears they never received my background check. Which I know they received because the LAST time I was on hold for a half hour with the BCI, they told me they sent it - over a MONTH ago. So the license board has told me to contact BCI again and ask them to please re-send the background check.

So after 29 minutes on hold, a lady from BCI answered the phone. I asked her to please forward the info again to the licensing board. While I was speaking with her, a second call came in to my phone. After I hung up with BCI (a mere 33 minutes after I called) I checked my voice mail to hear a message from the AT licensing board. “Hi Jennifer, I’m calling to let you know that we found your background check so you don’t need to call BCI. We’ll process that for you today. Thank you!” Are you serious? No, really. Are you serious?! Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

So the good news is that I’m now licensed. But I’m still angry! To make myself feel better, I filed a complaint with the Ohio Attorney General’s office. Interestingly, on the BCI website they had a link to the complaints page directly below the phone number for the BCI. I can only imagine this is because they get a lot of complaints…

Left-wing liberal MACHINES

I don’t care which side of the political fence you live on; the grass is brown on both sides anyway. But I should preface this blog with two statements.

1: On a whole, I tend to align with the values and moral compass of the Democrats but I’ve been known to vote for Republicans (never for an office higher than state governor, mind you, but it has happened). I value dissenting opinions as much as I value opinions I share. It’s critical that we try to understand and learn from each other and I think this country would be a better place if more of its policy makers did so.

2: I have not seen Wall-E.

Regardless, the foundation for everything I do, political or otherwise, is based in civil rights. The right of my fellow humans to be treated as, well, humans. So imagine my delight when I tuned in to Glenn Beck on the local talk radio station here in town to find him blasting the Hollywood liberal elite. This, of course, is not unusual for him. But what I found to be especially interesting was the revelation that Glenn Beck is terrified of animated machines.

Beck and his faithful listeners (”Hi Glenn, love the show. Long time listener, first time caller. Hey, what did you think of Obama’s failure to wear a flag pin to his daughter’s dance recital last Thursday? I can only assume he’s defecting to Pakistan.”) were discussing the extreme liberal bias in the movie Wall-E.  Yes, you read that correctly. Wall-E. A woman (AKA security mom) called in to detail how horrified she was to have taken her 13 year old daughter to see this movie. Apparently there is a scene in the movie that has something to do with a leader trying to convince everyone to be happy. This scene, mom said, could only be compared (in the worst way possible) to an Obama rally. She went on to say that she couldn’t really say too much because it would, of course, give away the plot. But you’ll be happy to know that the good guys (AKA the Conservatives) are able to overcome the bad guys (AKA the liberals) and return to the good life where, apparently, people are not, nor do they wish to be, happy. She actually said, and I paraphrase, that it was like watching A Clockwork Orange or Apocalypse Now and she was thankful to have left the movie knowing that conservativism is the way to go. Lest I remind you, she was talking about an animated children’s film. Glenn Beck, to his credit, said that he had not seen the movie. But that didn’t stop him from adding that he would not take his child to see it until after he himself had seen it because “I just don’t trust Hollywood anymore”. OK, beyond the obvious point of why did you ever trust Hollywood for in the first place, does anyone else think that maybe, just maybe, these people are overreacting? Just a touch?

I remember going to the theater see Scary Movie with a friend. We had a certain notion of what the film was about, considering its rating (”R”) and its producers (the venerable Wayans brothers). However, I have to admit even my friend and I were a bit surprised to see a large penis penetrating a bathroom stall in the first five minutes of the movie.  Oh, but we weren’t nearly as surprised as the mother in the row in front of us, who had brought four children, none of whom were yet teenagers, to see this movie. I would have sympathized with her if it weren’t for the fact that she stood up, turned to the oldest child (a boy, probably 12) and yelled “You told me this movie was OK to bring you to!” before grabbing his arm and yelling at all of the kids to leave. If ever there was a time when the parent should check out the movie for him/herself and then decide whether or not the kids can see it, this was probably it. But Wall-E? Come on, all you conservatives. Lighten up.

 

It could always be worse

I’ve been throwing a little pity-party for myself lately. Moving to Columbus been a pretty rough transition that I haven’t talked much about, but suffice it to say that Derek and I have wondered if we made the right decision just about every day over these last two months. And yet, I should know better. Because just when I begin to make a mountain out of life’s molehills, I get slapped across the head with the obvious notion that it could always be worse. I don’t know how I always manage to forget this mantra, but I really need to start abiding by it more frequently.

Last week we learned that a close friend was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t think anyone goes through life expecting to be untouched by this disease; Derek and I both have watched family and friends fight through it and I’m willing to bet that you have too. But at the same time, I don’t think anyone goes through life expecting to be diagnosed with it in their 20s. And yet, that’s the curveball life has thrown at our friend. He is strong, otherwise healthy, and has the best attitude of just about anyone I’ve ever known, so we remain 100% optimistic. But there is always that little part of me, every time I add one more hash mark to my “loved ones diagnosed with cancer” tally, that makes me so angry - why haven’t we figured this thing out yet? And so I make another contribution to cancer research and wonder why I can’t be just a little bit better at science.

I got a phone call from my brother this morning letting me know that my parents were involved in a hit and run accident. The driver of the other car sped through an intersection. His light was red; my parents’ light was green. His car was going 50 mph; my parents’ car was probably going 20. He hit them so hard that my parents’ car wasn’t driveable; neither was his. But that didn’t stop him from speeding away from the scene. Fortunately, many nice people came to my parents’ aid and someone even chased down the driver of the other car. Once his car stopped running (about a mile or two up the road) he hopped out of the car and started running on foot but within a few minutes he was arrested. So thank you to whoever chased this guy down. Had my parents’ car been another foot or two into the intersection, I wouldn’t be writing this blog because, at best, I’d be in a hospital in Pittsburgh. I can’t help but cry as I write that. Fortunately, it was the car that had the broken bones, not my parents.

So karma tosses me a gentle, if not so subtle, reminder to drop the pity, sweep away the molehills, and be grateful and humble for all that is good in my life. Thanks karma, I needed that.